I'm A Murderer...

In order to properly "earn" the teardrop tattoo, you have to had murdered someone. Jokingly, I told my friends and coworkers I'd come home from jail with a teardrop tattoo and gang tattoos all over my body. At the time, it was nothing more than a joke...but now I realize I have earned my teardrop. I have murdered myself. The old me. She is gone, and nobody will find her. Not even I know what I did with my old self.


It's like in the movies when you see all the events leading up to the murder, but not the murder itself. The killer wakes up the next day, hands covered in blood, but no body. I look back and I can recall all the events that got me here. The parties, the bad influences, the lack of motivation..but not the actual destruction of my old self. But slowly, it's all coming back to me. I see where I've gone wrong, and I know what I need to do to recover my old self and put my life back together. I see that growing up and college isn't just about who can take the most shots without puking, and who can get the most numbers in one night. It's about finding yourself, not losing yourself. It's about building a foundation for the rest of your adult life.


Sadly, I wish I would've realized this before I've reached the point I'm at now. Little do people know, I'd go back and do it all differently if I could. I went from an honors student, to academic probation. I went from obedient and responsible, to rebellious and wild. I went to the complete opposite extreme, and its finally kicking me in the ass. Slowly, its eating me up inside. On the outside, I appear fine. But sometimes the brightest eyes hide the darkest secrets. I'm ready to stop falling apart. I'm ready to take the pieces and build myself back up again. I'm done hiding from my mistakes. I need to let them go and find the girl I was once happy to see in the mirror each morning.


From the point on, it's about me. I'm done trying to impress others and be good enough for the people around me. I will find my old self...and I will bring her back.

This Isn't Me...What Have You Done?

On a daily basis, I associate with a large variety of people. Some are super religious and take life seriously, while others are out popping pills and living life to the extreme. I normally don't think much of it. Who cares what my friends are doing? It doesn't effect me, right?

WRONG!

The people you associate with and spend time with make you the person you are right now. Whether you want to believe it or not. I didn't realize how much of an impact some of the people I hangout with have on me. Growing up, adults have always told us to choose our friends wisely, but I for one never gave who my friends were a second thought. We have fun, we know how to have a good time. Who cares if they're out getting high instead of going to class. Who cares if they're flunking out of school. That's them, not me.

WRONG AGAIN!

The people I surround myself with are changing me. When I think about the person I've become since I moved away from home, I don't feel very good inside. I can't look in the mirror and feel the same way I used to. A year ago, I would not picture myself in the place I'm at right now. You don't realize the impact the people you're around have on you until you start to remove some of them from your everyday life. For example, lets take a look at Person A and Person B.

Person A and I have had some crazy weekends, but we don't really associate as much during the week. I'm there for Person A when they need something, but they're never there for me in return. When I'm with Person A, I stay up to all hours of the night, and don't get the rest needed for work. Because of that, my performance at work goes down. I am too tired to function. In order to stay awake, I pound energy drinks all day and spend money on crappy junk food that never fully satisfies me. Then, I come home and feel nasty. Instead of going to sleep like I should, I instead repeat the entire thing all over again the next day/night.

Person B and I have known each other since the beginning of the semester. I never really associated with Person B until recently. Since Person B and I started hanging out a little and communicating, I've noticed several positive changes in my life. Person B continues to motivate me to change and cut out the negativity in my life. Within a few days, I have started working out again, focused my mind on work and change, and started eating healthy. Instead of snacking on junk all day, I find myself waking up and eating breakfast and snacking on fruit and nuts occasionally through out the day. Not only that, but I have a new found energy that wasn't there before. 

Notice how one person positively influences my life and brings me up to new heights, while the other brings me up for a little while, but ends up pushing me to an all new low. I want to associate myself with people like Person B that lift me up and motivate me, versus bring me down and hurt me. I'm not saying I'm going to completely cut out people like Person A, but I need to stop spending so much time with people like them. 

It's crazy how someone can impact your life. Unfortunately, its taken me far too long to notice how my friends are really effecting my life and my decisions, but it's never too late to make a change. I challenge you to stop and look at yourself and the people you hang out with. Are they lifting you up and helping you reach your full potential? Or are they bringing you down and only bringing you temporary satisfaction? Make the changes you need to before you lose sight of who you are.