Wasting All These Tears

That should be me. Every fucking time I see you, I ask myself the same question. Where did I go wrong? Everyone tells me it was for the best, but I can’t help but wonder. Was there anything I could have done? They tell me you’re not worth it, but there was always something about you. Your eyes, I was always getting lost in them. And that smile. Damn that contagious smile. No matter how upset I was, I couldn't help but at least grin a little when I saw you smile. And the worst part? I still get lost in your eyes and I still grin when I see you smile. Every fucking time. But I can't let you see that. Ever.

Why do I let you do this to me? Why can't I tell myself and you no? Every time I try to move on, you bring me in again. Why won't you just let me go? You had me at one point, and now you're losing me. You used to bring me such happiness and joy, and now I find myself crying over you and what could've been. And you know this happens. Yet you continue to give me a sense of false hope. WHY? Do you enjoy hurting me? This is all some sort of game to you. You know I'll come back to you. You know you've got me trapped, and you're the only one with the key...

There's this new boy...and I really like him. But I can't give him the attention and feelings he deserves, because you won't let me let go of you. He's the funniest, sweetest, cutest, and most fun guy to be around...and he deserves the best. But I can't offer him that and I'm going to lose him. Please, I'm begging you. Stop this. Either you want me, or you don't. Make up your mind. Stop playing me. Stop stringing me along. Before too long, I'll come to my senses and you won't be a part of my life at all. I'm sick of wasting all my tears on someone who can only bring me temporary happiness...

Guys. If you like a girl, tell her. If you don't like her, don't act like you do. Simple as that. And girls, don't let his charm fool you. He's not worth it, and once he gets ahold of you, there is no getting away. You're trapped.

Fighting To Keep The Mirror Happy...

Very few people are aware of the physical battle I fought for the last 3-4 months. I didn’t make it obvious. After all, I wasn’t doing it for attention. I didn’t really have a choice to fight this battle or not. It had consumed my life. It started as a choice, but then I became trapped, and I fought with myself every day to get out of my personal war.

My mother always told me my eating habits would catch up with me someday, but I just laughed and disregarded her warnings. After all, I have a high metabolism and at the time, I was quite active. But now, I realize I should’ve listened and watched my lifestyle and eating choices. I recently conquered an eating disorder. If you look at me, you couldn’t tell. I’m happy, and I eat just like anyone else, but it was when I was alone that the trouble would really show. I had a bad habit known as binge eating. Everyone does it a little bit normally, but my binging was much more troublesome. I had days where I wouldn’t eat breakfast, lunch, or any dinner. But, later in the night, usually after midnight, I’d eat to the point of feeling sick. This is extremely unhealthy and my body was not fit for those late night splurges. When my eating disorder was at its peak, I’d make myself sick after my binges. It never made me feel good, but I believed I was doing what I needed to do.

When I look back on the past 3-4 months and the eating disorder I struggled with (and occasionally struggle with today), I feel sad. Why would I do this to myself? Did it really help me? Or did it make the situation worse? Society sets such high expectations for girls today. You must be skinny. You must be tan. You absolutely must be perfect. Otherwise, you’re not good enough and you never will be. It took me a while to realize how silly these “ideal people” really were. It took lots of painful, emotional nights and phone calls to realize what I was doing wasn’t getting me anywhere. Not only was I hurting myself, but I was hurting those close to me. Eating disorders are no joke. Learning to let go and accept myself was probably one of the hardest obstacles I’ve ever had to tackle. Even now, I struggle fully appreciating and loving who I am. But that’s normal. I will always fight with my mirror, but as long as I win, then there isn’t a problem.

Don’t let anyone tell you that you’re not attractive enough or good enough. You are perfect just the way you are. Don’t let anyone make you believe otherwise…

Challenge Yourself

Today I challenged myself. I challenged myself to give "screamo" music a chance. Why? Because a dear friend if mine challenged all his friends to do so. Little does he realize, I actually took this challenge, and it really impacted me. I've always turned my nose up towards music like this. I referred to it as "angry" and "scary" music. I told people I was way too happy for music like this and I wouldn't be caught dead listening to music with a bunch of guys screaming into a mic. I'd stare wide-eyed at my friend whenever he played "punk" or "screamo" music around me. I judged the genre (and even my friend) before I even gave it a chance, and that was a mistake.

Going into this challenge, I wasn't expecting to enjoy what I heard. I definitely didn't go into it with an open mind like my friend instructed. Halfway through the first song, I had the volume cranked and I felt empowered and inspired. I wanted to get up and move around. It was passionate. Not just the one song, but every song I listened to in this "hardcore" genre. It made me think, question my lifestyle, and it even encouraged me to be strong as I go through my current hardships. It was beautiful.

Never in a million years would I expect myself to actually enjoy this genre of music, but I did. It was empowering and I couldn't get enough of it. I even went home and bought several songs afterwards. Taking this challenge opened my eyes without a doubt. It definitely changed my views and it might even change my life someday...

So now, I give you the same challenge...give this style of music a chance before you start judging and making up stereotypes for it. One song. That is all it takes. You can even find covers of pop songs in this genre. There is something for everyone in this scene...who knows what you might find...but you'll never know unless you give it a chance.