Very few people are aware of the physical
battle I fought for the last 3-4 months. I didn’t make it obvious. After all, I
wasn’t doing it for attention. I didn’t really have a choice to fight this
battle or not. It had consumed my life. It started as a choice, but then I
became trapped, and I fought with myself every day to get out of my personal
war.
My mother always told me my eating
habits would catch up with me someday, but I just laughed and disregarded her
warnings. After all, I have a high metabolism and at the time, I was quite
active. But now, I realize I should’ve listened and watched my lifestyle and
eating choices. I recently conquered an eating disorder. If you look at me, you
couldn’t tell. I’m happy, and I eat just like anyone else, but it was when I was
alone that the trouble would really show. I had a bad habit known as binge
eating. Everyone does it a little bit normally, but my binging was much more
troublesome. I had days where I wouldn’t eat breakfast, lunch, or any dinner.
But, later in the night, usually after midnight, I’d eat to the point of feeling
sick. This is extremely unhealthy and my body was not fit for those late night
splurges. When my eating disorder was at its peak, I’d make myself sick after
my binges. It never made me feel good, but I believed I was doing what I needed
to do.
When I look back on the past 3-4
months and the eating disorder I struggled with (and occasionally struggle with
today), I feel sad. Why would I do this to myself? Did it really help me? Or
did it make the situation worse? Society sets such high expectations for girls
today. You must be skinny. You must be tan. You absolutely must be perfect. Otherwise, you’re not
good enough and you never will be. It took me a while to realize how silly
these “ideal people” really were. It took lots of painful, emotional nights and
phone calls to realize what I was doing wasn’t getting me anywhere. Not only
was I hurting myself, but I was hurting those close to me. Eating disorders are
no joke. Learning to let go and accept myself was probably one of the hardest
obstacles I’ve ever had to tackle. Even now, I struggle fully appreciating and
loving who I am. But that’s normal. I will always fight with my mirror, but as
long as I win, then there isn’t a problem.
Don’t let anyone tell you that you’re
not attractive enough or good enough. You are perfect just the way you are. Don’t
let anyone make you believe otherwise…
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