Who Am I?

Who am I? 

Who do I want to be?  

I have so much life ahead of me. The average life span is near 80 years and I'm not even a quarter of the way there. I hate when people say life is short. Life is NOT short. Life is the longest thing we will ever know. I have all the time in the world to become the person I want to be and do the things I want to do, there's just one little problem. I have NO fucking idea who I am, what I wanna do with my life, what I live for. I'm still figuring that out. Yeah, I have an idea of who I am and who I wanna be, but I still don't know for sure. Sometimes, I'm going to be wrong and choose the wrong things to live for. And sometimes, these wrong things are gonna hurt me and break me. They may even push me back down to the bottom. And yeah, I'll be honest, there are a lot of times where I just wanna give up. Who cares if I succeed? Who cares if I get married someday. Who the hell cares?! But then I realize...I do. I actually do care. I need to do what makes me happy. I need to be the person that makes ME happy. Nobody else. Not my mom. Not my dad. Not my best friend. Only me. If I'm happy, I can make those around me happy. So what makes me happy?

A good friend of mine sat down on the stairs in the rain with me last night and gave me one of the most inspirational and best pep talks I've heard in a long time. He told me I need to compose a list. A list of the things that make me happy, and the things I'm good at.

I've been thinking a lot about my list these last 24 hours. And in this short 24 hour period, I'm slowly finding answers to my original questions.

• Who am I?
• I am Alex Benton. I am human. I make mistakes, and I learn from them. Sometimes, I'm going to give up, but I will ALWAYS get back up. Sometimes I'm gonna fall, and I will be at the bottom. But I will always come out on top. I am happy. I am outgoing. Talkative. Sarcastic. I can be the biggest bitch you will ever meet, but I can also be the biggest sweetheart. I will tell you what I think, whether you want to hear it or not. I am not confident. I never have been, but someday, I will be. I will learn to love myself. I am a Utah State Aggie. I am an undeclared student. I am an anarchist. I believe in doing what you want, being yourself. I don't like being told what to do. I am me, you are you. I do my thing, you do yours. I am agnostic/atheist. Maybe there is a God, but I doubt it. I won't stop looking for one though, cause sometimes I need that extra support and lift to get going. I am me.
• Who do I want to be?
• I want to be great. Successful. But most of all, I want to be confident. I will never be successful or great if I can't be confident and love who I am and what I stand for. I want to be that person who doesn't give a fuck what people think of her. I want to live life to the fullest and laugh at those who bring me down. If you can't help me up, then get the hell out of my way and let me do it myself, cause you're only pushing me further down. I want to help people. I wanna see the smile on someone's face when I've made a difference in their life. I wanna be that girl someone looks at and says "if it wasn't for her, I wouldn't be here right now". And I'm not gonna stop until I get what I want. Ever.

These answers will continue to change. They won't always be what they are now. As I grow and change as a person, so will the way I look at life. In a year and a half, I went from Mormon to agnostic/atheist. I went from someone who supported the government and politics, to an anarchist who wants nothing to do with either. I went from wanting to be an exotic veterinarian, to a business major, and then to undeclared. I have time to decide and become the person I want to be, and even though it's always changing, I'm never gonna give up and stop trying. The change is what makes it exciting. Life wouldn't be the same, if there wasn't change. What is important is that I always remember, even though those around me may dislike/disapprove of my change, I can't let it effect me. This is my life. These are my decisions to make. Nobody else's. Only I can find myself and figure out what I'm doing with my life.