Who Am I?

Who am I? 

Who do I want to be?  

I have so much life ahead of me. The average life span is near 80 years and I'm not even a quarter of the way there. I hate when people say life is short. Life is NOT short. Life is the longest thing we will ever know. I have all the time in the world to become the person I want to be and do the things I want to do, there's just one little problem. I have NO fucking idea who I am, what I wanna do with my life, what I live for. I'm still figuring that out. Yeah, I have an idea of who I am and who I wanna be, but I still don't know for sure. Sometimes, I'm going to be wrong and choose the wrong things to live for. And sometimes, these wrong things are gonna hurt me and break me. They may even push me back down to the bottom. And yeah, I'll be honest, there are a lot of times where I just wanna give up. Who cares if I succeed? Who cares if I get married someday. Who the hell cares?! But then I realize...I do. I actually do care. I need to do what makes me happy. I need to be the person that makes ME happy. Nobody else. Not my mom. Not my dad. Not my best friend. Only me. If I'm happy, I can make those around me happy. So what makes me happy?

A good friend of mine sat down on the stairs in the rain with me last night and gave me one of the most inspirational and best pep talks I've heard in a long time. He told me I need to compose a list. A list of the things that make me happy, and the things I'm good at.

I've been thinking a lot about my list these last 24 hours. And in this short 24 hour period, I'm slowly finding answers to my original questions.

• Who am I?
• I am Alex Benton. I am human. I make mistakes, and I learn from them. Sometimes, I'm going to give up, but I will ALWAYS get back up. Sometimes I'm gonna fall, and I will be at the bottom. But I will always come out on top. I am happy. I am outgoing. Talkative. Sarcastic. I can be the biggest bitch you will ever meet, but I can also be the biggest sweetheart. I will tell you what I think, whether you want to hear it or not. I am not confident. I never have been, but someday, I will be. I will learn to love myself. I am a Utah State Aggie. I am an undeclared student. I am an anarchist. I believe in doing what you want, being yourself. I don't like being told what to do. I am me, you are you. I do my thing, you do yours. I am agnostic/atheist. Maybe there is a God, but I doubt it. I won't stop looking for one though, cause sometimes I need that extra support and lift to get going. I am me.
• Who do I want to be?
• I want to be great. Successful. But most of all, I want to be confident. I will never be successful or great if I can't be confident and love who I am and what I stand for. I want to be that person who doesn't give a fuck what people think of her. I want to live life to the fullest and laugh at those who bring me down. If you can't help me up, then get the hell out of my way and let me do it myself, cause you're only pushing me further down. I want to help people. I wanna see the smile on someone's face when I've made a difference in their life. I wanna be that girl someone looks at and says "if it wasn't for her, I wouldn't be here right now". And I'm not gonna stop until I get what I want. Ever.

These answers will continue to change. They won't always be what they are now. As I grow and change as a person, so will the way I look at life. In a year and a half, I went from Mormon to agnostic/atheist. I went from someone who supported the government and politics, to an anarchist who wants nothing to do with either. I went from wanting to be an exotic veterinarian, to a business major, and then to undeclared. I have time to decide and become the person I want to be, and even though it's always changing, I'm never gonna give up and stop trying. The change is what makes it exciting. Life wouldn't be the same, if there wasn't change. What is important is that I always remember, even though those around me may dislike/disapprove of my change, I can't let it effect me. This is my life. These are my decisions to make. Nobody else's. Only I can find myself and figure out what I'm doing with my life.

Tough Love

It's always easier said than done. I don't know a time when it hasn't been that way. I can tell you that I'm gonna change, but actually changing is the difficult part. It takes time, patience, and dedication. But most importantly, it takes support. I like to think and believe I'm independent and can handle everything on my own, but in all reality, I truly need help. Someone to hug. A shoulder to cry on. No one can handle everything on their own. Sometimes something as simple as an "I love you" text from a good friend can make all the difference in the world. We don't realize the effect we may have on someone's mood or life.

I've always been the person who needs to talk about what's upsetting them. I don't tell just anyone, I find one person I believe can make the biggest difference in my life, and I confide in them. I don't know what makes me choose the person I decide to open up to, but there's usually just one person. And when I find him or her,  I allow my heart and soul to bleed out. I let everything painful and upsetting out in the open for them to see. And although it's hard, it helps.

Whether they choose to help me or not, is up to them. Generally, people reassure me and tell me everything is going to be ok, but tonight, it was different. Instead, I wasn't pitied. I was practically told how stupid I was being and that I had the power to change. That the only way there was going to be change is if I made it happen. NOBODY else. It was up to me. He told me he wasn't going to talk to me like this. Yeah, I was upset. Yeah, I wanted to scream and freak out. But I didn't. Instead, I went outside and sat in the rain. I just sat there. I didn't say a word. But I cried. Not just a little bit, but a lot. And I couldn't stop. All the pain and emotion I've kept bottled up so long was finally coming out. It felt so good.

Never had I felt that way when my friends simply reassured me and gave me a pat on the back. What my friend told me tonight was different. Did it catch me off guard and hurt me a little bit? Most definitely. But did it help? Absolutely. I know he cares. He wasn't trying to be rude or hurt me...he was trying to help me.

His idea of "tough love" was hard for me to understand at first, but the more I think about it, the more I realize how right he is. I'm sorry for tonight. I'm sorry if I upset you. You're truly one of my closest friends and I don't know what I'd do without you. Thank you. Love you.

Wasting All These Tears

That should be me. Every fucking time I see you, I ask myself the same question. Where did I go wrong? Everyone tells me it was for the best, but I can’t help but wonder. Was there anything I could have done? They tell me you’re not worth it, but there was always something about you. Your eyes, I was always getting lost in them. And that smile. Damn that contagious smile. No matter how upset I was, I couldn't help but at least grin a little when I saw you smile. And the worst part? I still get lost in your eyes and I still grin when I see you smile. Every fucking time. But I can't let you see that. Ever.

Why do I let you do this to me? Why can't I tell myself and you no? Every time I try to move on, you bring me in again. Why won't you just let me go? You had me at one point, and now you're losing me. You used to bring me such happiness and joy, and now I find myself crying over you and what could've been. And you know this happens. Yet you continue to give me a sense of false hope. WHY? Do you enjoy hurting me? This is all some sort of game to you. You know I'll come back to you. You know you've got me trapped, and you're the only one with the key...

There's this new boy...and I really like him. But I can't give him the attention and feelings he deserves, because you won't let me let go of you. He's the funniest, sweetest, cutest, and most fun guy to be around...and he deserves the best. But I can't offer him that and I'm going to lose him. Please, I'm begging you. Stop this. Either you want me, or you don't. Make up your mind. Stop playing me. Stop stringing me along. Before too long, I'll come to my senses and you won't be a part of my life at all. I'm sick of wasting all my tears on someone who can only bring me temporary happiness...

Guys. If you like a girl, tell her. If you don't like her, don't act like you do. Simple as that. And girls, don't let his charm fool you. He's not worth it, and once he gets ahold of you, there is no getting away. You're trapped.

Fighting To Keep The Mirror Happy...

Very few people are aware of the physical battle I fought for the last 3-4 months. I didn’t make it obvious. After all, I wasn’t doing it for attention. I didn’t really have a choice to fight this battle or not. It had consumed my life. It started as a choice, but then I became trapped, and I fought with myself every day to get out of my personal war.

My mother always told me my eating habits would catch up with me someday, but I just laughed and disregarded her warnings. After all, I have a high metabolism and at the time, I was quite active. But now, I realize I should’ve listened and watched my lifestyle and eating choices. I recently conquered an eating disorder. If you look at me, you couldn’t tell. I’m happy, and I eat just like anyone else, but it was when I was alone that the trouble would really show. I had a bad habit known as binge eating. Everyone does it a little bit normally, but my binging was much more troublesome. I had days where I wouldn’t eat breakfast, lunch, or any dinner. But, later in the night, usually after midnight, I’d eat to the point of feeling sick. This is extremely unhealthy and my body was not fit for those late night splurges. When my eating disorder was at its peak, I’d make myself sick after my binges. It never made me feel good, but I believed I was doing what I needed to do.

When I look back on the past 3-4 months and the eating disorder I struggled with (and occasionally struggle with today), I feel sad. Why would I do this to myself? Did it really help me? Or did it make the situation worse? Society sets such high expectations for girls today. You must be skinny. You must be tan. You absolutely must be perfect. Otherwise, you’re not good enough and you never will be. It took me a while to realize how silly these “ideal people” really were. It took lots of painful, emotional nights and phone calls to realize what I was doing wasn’t getting me anywhere. Not only was I hurting myself, but I was hurting those close to me. Eating disorders are no joke. Learning to let go and accept myself was probably one of the hardest obstacles I’ve ever had to tackle. Even now, I struggle fully appreciating and loving who I am. But that’s normal. I will always fight with my mirror, but as long as I win, then there isn’t a problem.

Don’t let anyone tell you that you’re not attractive enough or good enough. You are perfect just the way you are. Don’t let anyone make you believe otherwise…

Challenge Yourself

Today I challenged myself. I challenged myself to give "screamo" music a chance. Why? Because a dear friend if mine challenged all his friends to do so. Little does he realize, I actually took this challenge, and it really impacted me. I've always turned my nose up towards music like this. I referred to it as "angry" and "scary" music. I told people I was way too happy for music like this and I wouldn't be caught dead listening to music with a bunch of guys screaming into a mic. I'd stare wide-eyed at my friend whenever he played "punk" or "screamo" music around me. I judged the genre (and even my friend) before I even gave it a chance, and that was a mistake.

Going into this challenge, I wasn't expecting to enjoy what I heard. I definitely didn't go into it with an open mind like my friend instructed. Halfway through the first song, I had the volume cranked and I felt empowered and inspired. I wanted to get up and move around. It was passionate. Not just the one song, but every song I listened to in this "hardcore" genre. It made me think, question my lifestyle, and it even encouraged me to be strong as I go through my current hardships. It was beautiful.

Never in a million years would I expect myself to actually enjoy this genre of music, but I did. It was empowering and I couldn't get enough of it. I even went home and bought several songs afterwards. Taking this challenge opened my eyes without a doubt. It definitely changed my views and it might even change my life someday...

So now, I give you the same challenge...give this style of music a chance before you start judging and making up stereotypes for it. One song. That is all it takes. You can even find covers of pop songs in this genre. There is something for everyone in this scene...who knows what you might find...but you'll never know unless you give it a chance.